Chapter 20, the highs and the lows, hello 21

Chapter 20, the highs and the lows, hello 21.

Hi goizzzzzzzzzz!!!!!!

I thought a lot of what I wanted to write as a welcome back speech for my blog and I was sitting and this came to me, spiritual stuff lol. A few days ago, I turned 21, the journey to 21, especially the weeks before it were so tiring, there’s this pressure that comes with aging, I was not prepared for it, I hated every part of it and I cried a lot. Chapter 20 was truly draining and this blog will be a long one, get your popcorn and drinks.

I want to say with all my heart that I hated every part of being 20 but I’d be lying, the early months of being 20 were the best, I found friendship with amazing humans that felt like home, I ticked off life goals, how many 20 year olds start up an helpline with their friends? I did and I felt and still feel very fulfilled, it was truly the highlight of being twenty. 

I think I truly found myself at twenty, I learnt things that I liked, I learnt new things about myself, coming from 19 to 20 was like taking off a ripped shirt and then putting on a clean one, it was like I’d be living with so many versions of myself at once and 20 was me finding the version of myself that best suited who I was. 

Towards the middle of this year, things started to crumble around me, I learnt how many times I could crash and burn and still stay standing this year, I was terrified and I cried a lot this year, the thing with growing is how easily you learn to allow your emotions, I had to let myself feel because on a lot of days, I knew if I didn’t, I would break into a million pieces.

Twenty taught me the importance of friendship, people say that love is a beautiful thing and I think that love between friends is genuinely the most beautiful one, I’ll never for a day pick romantic love over the ones me and my friends have for each other, there’s a joy and comfort in knowing you have humans who you are not related to that are there to support you and cheer for you at every stage of your life, it’s heart warming. 

I got closer to God, this was truly a special part of 20 for because for the longest time I felt so lost, like I was missing something and I needed to remind myself that talking to God calms me, I found myself whispering to God about every little thing at every point of the day. I held prayer marathons with my friends and I learnt to listen more to the Holy Spirit, it was a lot of unlearning and relearning and I enjoyed it. 

Chapter 20 taught me that I’m really scared of consistency, I tell myself that I want to be loved but the truth is, if I got into a relationship now, I’m scared I would hate it. I would constantly want to take breaks and I wouldn’t know what to do with having someone I’m supposed to be so consistent with, I want to blame it on the fact that I’ve never been in a real relationship or been with someone that’s been consistent with me so my phobia is high.

Twenty broke me in ways I didn’t realize I could be broken, I broke so many rules I’d made for myself and shattered my own promises, the thing with growing up is, you’ll shed parts of yourself as you grow older, you’ll find other pieces of yourself to warm your soul with and you’ll live through hurt and yet still do things that may lead to your hurt.

I think the craziest part of turning 21 for me was realizing that I actually survived 20. Anyways, I’m the Queen Atty, writer, feminist and famous safe space/light house and in Jola’s words, the bounce is back💜